I’m not good at reading between the lines. Vagueness or
ambiguity is totally lost on me. That’s probably why I was not too good at
dating. Never understood why guys could
not be honest and direct enough to say, “You’re nice but I’d just rather be
friends”. Tough words to hear, but much
better than waiting to see if he’s going to call you again.
This hasn’t changed for me, even in marriage. Hubby learned
the hard way that it’s best to just man-up and tell me what’s on his mind. Otherwise my mind will come up with all sorts
of crazy notions about what he wants to say, which are usually wrong, and we’ll
end up having a rather loud and lively “discussion” with tears flowing and the
dog cowering under the bed. Definitely
not fun.
When I started my career, business communications were right
up my alley: clear, concise and direct. I
was expected to be tough and get the job done. Best to ask questions, recap
meetings and lay it all out there so everyone understands the expectations.
Doesn’t seem too hard, does it? My
mantra became, “say what you mean and mean what you say”. In a nice way, of course.
There’s usually a way to get your point across without being rude.
Some years ago I noticed a trend away from direct
communications, even in business discussions.
Seems like everyone is afraid of offending others by being too direct, and
in an attempt to be super nice, we’ve lost our ability to communicate with
clarity.
At work I’ve always said that if you want to ask me to
lunch, just ask me. If you come to my
office and say, “I really like pizza”, I think you’re just making a statement –
although sort of an odd one at work.
Never would I think that you are trying to tell me “grab your purse so
we can head to the cafeteria”.
Why do I have to say “I’m reaching out to someone” instead
of “I’m calling him”? What does “so we’re
good, right” mean? Whatever happened to
clearly stating what you need, so the recipient has a good understanding of
your expectations? At least with clear
direction, the recipient can ask questions.
Some communications are so vague they are open for interpretation, which
is not good for either side.
Recently I’ve noticed that I’m starting to move to “the dark
side” in an attempt to fit in with the new corporate culture, using vague
communications so as to not offend anyone with my direct-but-polite approach.
Yet all this has done is got me in trouble.
A recent email I sent went something like this:
What I said: “Based
on yesterday’s discussion, we need to organize and host the upcoming meeting. Would
you like to take the lead on this?” Notice my super-nice phrase, “take the lead”
– nothing wrong here, right? After all, I wouldn’t want to insult the recipient
by spelling out my expectations, would I?
What I meant: “Will
you be the point person to manage this project and all that’s included to see
this to completion, such as inviting attendees, developing the agenda, ordering
food and preparing the presentation or assigning others to help in the
presentation?”
The response I got: I
would love to be there, thanks for inviting me. I’d be happy to show them
around the office.
HUH? This person
either totally misunderstood my uber-polite email, which is scary in itself, OR
this is an uber-polite-yet-so-subtle-that-I-don’t-get-it way of saying, “No,
I’m not able to/interested in taking the lead on this project”.
I used to think this was mainly an issue with younger people,
those who have been brought up never hearing the word “no”, always believing
they are “winners”, the ones with parents who coddled them a bit too much. But I’ve noticed it in older employees too. Maybe it’s a function of career path – I
started out in a traditional, well-established business environment that had
structure, and clear communication may have been easier to learn than if my
career had begun at a small start-up company where things were done on the fly
without much organization.
However this trend began, I know I’m not a fan. Seems like we’re either writing fluffy emails
or tip-toeing around with our spoken words, fearful that we may come across as
negative or hurt someone’s feelings if we use more direct communication. The
result is often misunderstanding and confusion and we end up spending more time
trying to clarify our meaning than if we had been clear and concise to begin
with. Ugh.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. That’s all I’m
gonna say.
© Tami Cannizzaro 2012 All Rights Reserved
